The Year of Death Continues

If you get a tarot reading someday and the death card appears in your spread, you shouldn't freak out. Death doesn't always mean death. It usually means a significant transition. A very big, life altering change. And that change is often for the better.

Death, the real pushing-up-daisies kind, also signifies transition for those of us left standing. 

My 30th year began with the death of my childhood dog, which was, I must say, traumatic. Then last week, the uncle married to one of my favorite aunts unexpectedly passed away. The day after, we received news that my 99 year-old grandfather was going into hospice. He passed on Tuesday the 28th, and his funeral is next Thursday (and, in a cruel ironic twist, his funeral is on the birthday of the aunt who just lost her husband - that poor woman is getting pounded). 

In the midst of all this was the wedding of one of my oldest and dearest friends who finally married the girl of my dreams (and presumably his too). She is everything I always hoped he'd find, and then some. So, for one day, I got to set aside my grief and celebrate the start of something truly splendid and wonderful with friends I've known for nearly twenty years. I'd wanted to write them a card, something that would impart wisdom and best wishes and somehow magically bless their union with the written word. But I couldn't find the words. Something about how, even though so many things change over the years including ourselves, the parts of ourselves that never change are what we love most. Something like that. 

So. Death. And change. 

I've taken a week off of work to wrap my head around all of this, which is the very best thing you can do. And yesterday, while on a morning hike, the parts of my life that I don't like crystallized. I haven't been living up to my own expectations. I haven't been fulfilling my Life Goal (which I came up with when I was 11, don't judge): To be an interesting person. 

Here's the interesting thing about this goal. Interestingness is not only purely subjective, it's dependent on other people finding me interesting. I'm living my life on a stage of public opinion. This does not bother me. None of us live in a vacuum, no man is an island, and I like getting nods of approval from perfect strangers. 

But somewhere between my last crazy trip to parts unusual and now, I've become boring (at least to myself). I don't get a kick out of telling people what I do for a living anymore. I've gotten fat. Yes, fat. Don't argue with me. My life has been wrapped around my husband, my house, and lately my new rescue dog Greta (Greta Garbo, because she is THAT glamorous), which are all things I love, but aren't objectively fascinating. So last week, after I heard the news about my uncle, I sat down to write my requirements for being an interesting person. This is purely my own opinion, but that's the one that counts.

1. Be fit enough to do awesome things.

Fix: Get fit by doing awesome things, including hiking, archery, dancing, and yoga.

2. Finish goals I've started.

Fix: Sort out the back yard vegetable and herb gardens, succeed at composting, finally learn to use my damn camera.

3. Do awesome things.

Fix: Travel more, visit friends, plan a roadtrip, play with exotic animals, learn a new dance style. Do things that are completely unexpected.

4. Travel to unusual places.

Fix: We're planning a trip in a year to go to China, Hong Kong and Tokyo. And I'm thinking of Africa, or Vietnam/Cambodia...when I can afford it again. Houses are expensive.

5. Explore different painting styles.

Fix: Van Gogh is on my list, as are midcentury modern styles.

6. Get work/life balance together so I have time to DO interesting things.

Fix: Limiting my work hours to 4 hours a day.

7. Change jobs.

Fix: This is a hard one. Marketing is not what I want to do with my life. I don't like selling things and I don't like being sold to, so I'll be looking at other ways to use my talents and experience this year. I want to have the kind of job that makes jaws drop at cocktail parties. 

I guess what I'm doing is using death as a springboard for making changes I've needed to make for a while now. Death is transition, even when it's literal.

Sadly, the one thing I cannot do, which I would find very interesting indeed, is to attend that wedding in England. I'm really bummed about missing it, but now that I've figured out the root cause of all that angst I was feeling, I'm doing okay. I should have realized that my reaction to that wedding was more about me not living up to my life goal - and that is something I have the ability to change.

I'm a damn fool

Whelp, you can't have successes without a few mishaps along the way, can you? My mishap is of the moral/philosophical variety.

We received  a lovely Save the Date email for the aforementioned wedding, and I "Squeeed" with delight (this is not the moral/philosophical failing, though "squeeing" is undignified). But 5 minutes later, I felt so guilty about just how much my nuptial assumptions bent me out of shape, that some of the fun was taken out of it. A lot of the fun. Most of the fun.

See, in the months of assuming an invitation to the wedding of my dreams, I could neatly ignore just how much I wanted it and why. When I thought the invitation would never come, all my emotional baggage hurtled to the front of the Train-to-Denial. The upset wasn't from an invitation unsent, it was from a life unlived. And it sucked.

When I was in college, I had a choice: Pursue my ambitions to move to England and, frankly, become English (via marriage or special dispensation from the Queen or unearthing a torrid affair between my mother and a random Englishman - I wasn't picky). It's the lifelong goal of a die-hard anglophile, which I've been ever since I can remember (age 3?). It's the longest, most passionate unrequited love of my life, and I had a choice to pursue it - or be with my lovely, intelligent, coffee-bearing American boyfriend.

Reader, I married him.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one more traveled by. (How many literary references can I make in a single post? Let's find out!)

Meanwhile, the Bride in question went to England, found a lovely, intelligent, tea-and-toddy-bearing British boyfriend, and has been living [MY LIFE] in Oxford for the past several years. She's well on her way to citizenship, has a circle of intellectual, creative friends who say clever things all the time, and has a local pub. I am all the bad things: Jealous, regretful, sad, angsty, annoyed. I am some of the good things: Proud of her, happy for them, and I enjoy our visits very much.

Now, to be perfectly honest about how horrible a person I am, I need to say this: I have a really amazingly great life, with a ridiculously great husband, a house I adore in a picturesque town with nearly perfect weather. Also, a great job that I made myself, for which my clients appreciate me. I have the time and leisure to paint and garden, I have the money to collect records and old books and hats, and I have a husband who supports me in all these things. I'm happy most of the time.

But staring down that road not taken is like a punch in the gut. At the ripe old age of 30, I finally have one regret - and yet, I don't know that I'd choose differently. My husband is just as hard to pass up now as he was ten years ago, much to his credit.

I should be perfectly happy with what I have. I know this. But I want all the things. I want clever English friends with big ideas; I want a local pub that's like an English version of Cheers; I want to soak myself in British culture like a tea bag in a china cup.

So I'm going to punch that green-eyed monster in the face and channel my energies into figuring out how to get a little of that English life for myself. Here's my working checklist:

1. Make intellectual, clever, creative friends nearby (proximity is important)
2. Travel to England more frequently (hard to do, expensive, but still a compromise)
3. Make more friends in England (because it's lovely to visit friends)

No, I'm not forgetting the most important thing, though I'd love to ignore it. I don't yet know how to not be jealous. But, I can make sure I don't dive into another tailspin of questioning all of my life choices for the last decade (yes, I did that, hence the title of this post).

I have so so many of the things I've always wanted, and I've worked hard and consciously to get them. Someday, there will be a time for England (really trying NOT to make a West Side Story ref here). I know this because I can make the things I want happen. I found camels in San Diego for Christ's sake! Nothing is beyond my power. Except marrying a British husband - because I'm not trading mine for anything.

A Word on Weddiquette

I'd thought of everything. The hat I would wear - the lime green one with the drooping feathers and fashionable folds. The soft knee-length green dress that goes with the hat. The ivory gloves that go with the dress. The smooth green leather shoes that I'd probably have to change if there was much dancing to be done.

I had the itinerary planned for the entire trip, barring the handful of hours we would be celebrating the nuptials of our friends. We would walk along the storied river for a week, traveling by foot from idyllic village to cozy bed-and-breakfast, winding our way with the water through green hills. Rain or shine, makes no difference, because the rain is wet, and green, and fresh. Chill would be chased away by a pastry, and heat would be easily quelled by a cool, not cold, brown ale. Then we would drive North to see what there is to see and smell the heather blooming in early summer, and marvel at the clothes hanging out to dry in every cottage yard despite the intermittent rain. An homage to true optimism waving with every damp sheet.

I don't believe the invitation is coming. Our invitation arrived there two years ago, safe and sound, and was responded to within the allotted time with a positive "Yes!" They sat, they danced, they ate our cake, and we were deeply glad they had flown the distance. We looked forward to returning the favor. Expected to. Even though expectations of such things are a tad self-serving.

I suppose, really, that I should be happy for their long-awaited union. But when I see my feathered hat, so perfect for that sort of wedding, I kind of wish that the venue buries them in a heap of ancient sandy-colored stones, and that their last words are "Our one regret is not inviting Lauren and Charles!." It's petty. I admit it.

We would have given a nice gift. A very nice gift. We're not cheap. That should count for something, even if it is also a shallow, petty consideration. But aren't most considerations shallow and petty where weddings are concerned? I realize not everyone can be invited to a wedding. But I thought we had something. I thought our good times, good drinks, good food, good company, good thank-you gifts, good manners, and goodness in general meant something. Apparently, not quite the price of a plate or the space of a seat.

Turning 30 and the Weekend of Death

There's nothing like a milestone birthday to make a girl think of dying, especially when the celebration is nested between visiting my 98 year old grandfather in the hospital to chat casually about his funeral plans, and the family dog of nearly 19 years dying in your hands. Super. Fun.

Hello 30s!

I'll say one thing for that dog: he was a terrier to the last. I'm certain he bit the hand of Death at least five times before the old devil succeeded in taking him. I could have sworn I felt Death whip his hand back from the fierce doggy jowls. But, in the end, the stubborn beast met his maker, and I felt the last beat of his heart thud into silence.

My grandfather is rather terrier-like himself, and is not going gently into that good night either. He's still bright and alert, telling stories to the nurses, and shows more patience with them than I think I'll ever have. Watching him stoically submit to the indignities of aging gives me even greater respect for his fortitude, but it also makes me wonder: Is it worth it? Is it worth while to live to 140 in dog years, or 98 in people years, if so much of those later hours are spent in the prison of a barely-functional body?

I suppose as long as the good outweighs the bad, and you keep your sense of humor, it might be.

As I slid into my own fierce old age (I say this ironically - I've no wrinkles to speak of and my hair's still dark), I made a list of the accomplishments of my 20s. They read as follows:

List of Accomplishments in my Twenties
1. Graduated college with honors
2. Paid off student loans
3. Figured out office work is a no-go
4. Developed wine expertise
5. Built a business from nothing
6. Traveled around the world to England, Japan, Canada, India, Mozambique, Swaziland, South Africa, Italy, Germany, and Austria
7. Got married (and had the Best Wedding Ever)
8. Bought a house
9. Interviewed celebrities, which was pretty cool
10. Went to a real, Cinderella-worthy ball
11. Learned to wrangle camels
12. Learned oil painting
13. Made amazing friends
14. Let go of bad friends
15. Was ordained, and officiated a same-sex wedding
16. Was a bridesmaid
17. Bought a new car
18. Developed closer relationship with my sisters
19. Had a story published in a book
20. Got my own office

But, the accomplishments I'm most proud of are the people I've known over the last ten years. Making and keeping great friends is hard, and I am so proud to know the people I do.

Next, I made a list of Goals for my Thirties. They read as follows:

Goals for My Thirties
1. Get fit
2. Have adventures:
   - Travel to Asia
   - Work with exotic/unusual animals
   - Take a road trip through the American South
   - Organize girlfriend getaways of the creative variety
   - Walk the Thames Path (maybe not all 160 miles...)
   - Travel to Scotland (miss the place)
3. Increase income every year, until I quit working altogether
4. Quit working
5. Seriously consider kids
6. Lots of house projects:
   - Landscaping
   - Tree Lounge
   - Bathroom renovation
   - Kitchen renovation
7. Make local friends
8. Have more parties at the house
9. Befriend Gail Carriger (one of my favorite authors, and it seems like we have a lot in common)
10. Get really good pictures taken of me, after I get fit of course

So far, my goal to work less and earn more is going well. I'm letting go my lowest-paying clients (as much as I enjoy working with them, it's shooting myself in the foot to continue), getting raises from my mid-range clients, and demanding a solid $75/hour from everybody else. Note to creatives: You can't do your best work when you're underpaid. If you work for peanuts, you'll wear yourself out and quit altogether. So, pace yourself and work less, for more money.

And with that, I'm off to do my billing for the month and fire a couple clients. I'm starting my 30s with a new outlook on life and work - ie. I need to do more living and less working. After all, time's a wastin'.

A Room of One's Own

I write this, finally, from my Home Office in San Diego.

My bronze Ganesh statue sits smugly on my left, a drained coffee mug and To-Do list on my right, and in front of me, a bright orange wall. I've always wanted a bright orange wall. Behind me is the window to the back yard, which needs some work, but we've only been moved in to the house for about a month. I can hear doves cooing, finches cheeping, chickens scratching and squabbling (we have four), and a gentle breeze. On that breeze is the scent of citrus blossoms. Ripe oranges roll down the road here.

My husband got the San Diego job in October (when we heard the news, it felt like winning the lottery) and we've spent the past five months house hunting and living with the in-laws - an intense time. No matter how lovely in-laws are (and they are lovely), it's hard to be in someone else's space. And, between them and me, there's a language barrier. Not literally, we both speak English, but every family has its own way of communicating which only makes sense to themselves. What do they say about England and America? Two countries separated by a common language. It's like that.

Having our own space, our own house, is bliss though. I'm so blissed out by it that I'm finding it hard to concentrate on work (it's so much easier to concentrate on work under a little constant stress, it turns out). It's hard to imagine that four weeks ago, when we were laboring to fill this house with boxes of our things,  I was wondering if I should seek help for depression. Yep, the stress had gotten that bad. I wasn't sure I was going to pull out of it. But, it turns out that when the situational stress is gone, I bounce back pretty quickly. And, I'm losing weight without even trying (not eating pepperoni pizza 1-2 times a week with the in-laws is a fantastic diet). I nearly hit 200 pounds this year. Those people love their carbs.

It's a bit lonely here though. My progress making friends in Orange County is a wash - have to start all over. But, my oldest friend has already come for a too-brief visit, and I can't wait to have more guests. San Diego is a much better draw for out-of-towners than OC. I'd like to think that visiting us would be the draw, but I don't kid myself. This is a lovely place. I have, however, made one new friend who is smart, well educated and articulate, and an old soul straight out of the 1920's. Ms. Pearce has definite possibilities, especially since she used the "Idiocracy" argument for why smart people should have kids (which is my argument too).

Kids are a hot topic of discussion among my friends this month. At age 29 and 30's, we're all feeling a little pressure to figure it out. And, of course, many of our friends are popping out babies like it's going out of style. I cannot relate. I have shit to do. Still, I try to be happy for them and supportive of them. And, I am so grateful to my friends who are able to give me positive perspectives on it. I have a feeling the next five years are going to be a constant battle of trying to talk myself into having kids. I want to want that. I don't. Maybe, hopefully, I'll trip and hit my head on a rock some day and it'll finally sound like a great idea.

Speaking of taking on mothering, my little half-sister is coming to live with us for 2-4 weeks this summer. She's been getting into more and more trouble, still depressed, on meds, smoking pot, seeing the therapist, almost getting arrested for stealing hard liquor with her loser friends. Our father is off playing with his new girlfriend, using little sister's drama to gain him pity points no doubt, and her mother would really rather be playing with her boyfriend and is delighted by the prospect of having a parenting vacation. I fear both parents think I can somehow magically make their kid okay. I can't. I don't expect to. My expectations are as follows:

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

I can show her that a happy, peaceful, loving and successful life is possible. I can be the model for a better way of being. But she's got to want to get there on her own. And that probably won't happen at age 15 - maybe by age 25. The only power I have is to give her the option of living well, and act as living proof that it's possible. It's more than many troubled teens get. Still, 2-4 weeks with a depressed, angry teenager is going to be... strenuous. For both of us. Not to mention my sweet husband. I hope it will be fun too though. Best case scenario: I get to teach her what I do (she's "interning"), and teach her a few good life lessons too.

I've got 29 problems but a B---- ain't one.

It's my 29th birthday today and I'm sitting here drinking coffee made by my husband, and eating a cookie made by our neighbors - who literally came over to borrow a cup of sugar. Yes, I've managed to make friends since January, for which I am thrilled and grateful. But I've also managed to lose a friend, which though incredibly painful, is definitely for the best. This year, just like my horoscope said, I've had to set boundaries with people, and that friend crossed the line egregiously. I feel stronger not allowing people to treat me badly.

"Siblings or close relatives could become a source of strain, and you'll have to create firm boundaries."

My siblings - the unhappy products of modern-day parenting - have been in constant crisis since May when my 16 year old sister discovered cut marks on the 14 year old sister (while they were wrestling with each other - they fight non-stop). I tried to take the place of a responsible parent, but I couldn't do it. I was losing sleep, losing work, losing my sanity trying to be the person they can count on when no one else was acting or reacting appropriately. I know I did some good because my sisters and I forged a closer bond than we have ever had, and the 14 year old is getting professional help. But I know that deep pit of sadness doesn't just go away - ever. Professional help and pills will keep you standing, but having a happy, functional, fulfilling life after so much of you has been grown in an adverse environment is an uphill battle. I'm there for them as much as I can be, but I've definitely had to set boundaries with our father (who'd be only too happy to turn over full-time parenting to me so he can go play). 

As if that didn't having me tearing out my hair enough this Spring, June took a swift downturn after our first wedding anniversary when Husband didn't come home one night. He finally called at 3 in the morning, voice muffled, not really coherent, and asked me to pick him up at the train station. I get there to find him in a pool of blood. He had been mugged and violently beaten and kicked multiple times over a wallet with no cash in it and a cheap watch. Days of hospitals, worry over surgery (that he didn't need, thank God), friends coming over in droves to help keep us up and going (extraordinarily wonderful). June went by in a tearful blur and we were well rid of the whole horrible month by the time July rolled around. 

I think that, more than anything, helped me sort out my boundaries. There's nothing like a real crisis to force you to prioritize. Maybe it's the strength that I found then that helped me to end my bad friendship. I just don't have time for selfish people in my life anymore. That tolerance went right out the window this year. I cleaned out my Facebook friends too.

The wild ride of Big Events continued through the first week of July, when I became a Reverend to marry my same-sex friends in a beautiful coastal elopement. I feel like I got to be a part of California history, and I'm so grateful for that. Sadly, that's also the friend I lost. To make a long story short: I worked so hard to help her make her wedding as special and wonderful as it could be (taking a week off of work, driving them all over for hours, hosting them on my futon, hand-making garlands, getting up at 5am to scout and collect flowers, gifting them a honeymoon suite), and then she had her new wife yell at me for 15 minutes for the stupidest of reasons (I suggested to a mutual friend that she might want to send them a congratulatory card, when I guess the wedding was supposed to be top secret?). I didn't deserve that treatment, and it made me realize that I had been ignoring her self-centeredness for a long time. Marrying them is still one of the best, most incredible moments of my life, but I couldn't keep someone who treats me badly as a friend. Reminds me of the rap song "99 Problems" - I've had 29 problems, but a bitch ain't one.

"The second half of the year will be better spent socializing and creating community. You'll be more interested in meeting new people than promoting your work. Get ready to meet amazing and passionate folks who will remain in your life for years to come." 

I just came back from Boise, Idaho which was so much about my food blog, socializing and creating community that this really rings true. I did meet amazing and passionate folks - one in particular - who I hope will remain in my life for years to come. Whenever you clear a space in your life (like ditching a bad friend), nature abhors a vacuum. Something or someone comes along to fill it. In this case, I've made a new friend in a Mr. Smith, who I can only describe as a louder, more energetic version of myself if I were a 44 year old gay man from Canada. We bounce up and down in our chairs when Billy Idol songs come on, we both reach for the "Everything" bagel at the counter, we're both addicted to good coffee and have the exact same taste in food. It's insta-love - feels like we've known each other for a decade. Husband is a little jealous, but that's only because he hasn't met him yet - they have a lot in common as well. But what strikes me most about Mr. Smith is how generous he is with his time, his knowledge, and his own two hands and feet. He's just plain helpful to everyone, in every way he can be. And that is such a striking contrast to the friend I lost that I can't help but feel that I've upgraded. 

I firmly believe that all the weird sh*t that's happened this year was thrown at us for a reason, like we're gaining karmic points to spend on something really great. I'm hoping for one thing in particular: moving to San Diego. I want it. I want it bad. Husband has a chance at a job down there right now and I am praying that we get good news today. Come on Ganesh! Remove some obstacles! This writer needs her own home office! 

And, my horoscope:

There may be some kind of conflict in your life arising from a great urge to do something different. (Yeah, like move to San Diego).
The year ahead promises to be a busy, dynamic, and significant period in your life.Neptune's challenging transit to your Sun is winding down and finally passes in February - an influence that has been with you for some time and that may have at times confused you as to what direction your life should take. As this transit lifts, life tends to become considerably clearer. (Good, because part of me wants to fire my writing clients and paint landscapes for a living).
The Sun conjunct Mercury in your Solar Return chart suggests that you have a lot to do this year. At times, you may feel like the pace of your life is running ahead of you. (!!!) You can be especially productive, however, in all types of communications--writing, speaking, learning, teaching, and so forth. There can be a lot of change happening during this period of your life, but generally on a small scale.
This year, you can feel that your spiritual and material goals harmonize or at least don't get in each other's way. Circumstances and your own attitudes facilitate following through on your dreams or turning your visions and ideals into reality. Combining imagination and effort is successful now. There can be a sense that your dreams are realizable, and you can build stronger faith and acceptance. There may be some tension over your personal finances, and/or need to make a large payment that necessitates changes in your spending habits. Finances may be complicated. Some of you could experience power struggles with money. (Let's hope this means a new house).

But my other aspiration for this year (now that I've nailed the making-friends challenge - yay!) is gaining strength and losing weight. All the chaos this year has made it really hard to eat less, exercise more. So, August 29th is when a year of taking care of myself starts. And if anything gets in the way of that, I've learned how to set boundaries to protect myself. 

I refuse to be 30 and fluffy. 

Hindsight, Foresight, and 2013

That dream about bees in October did indeed bring busyness, business, creativity and wealth. Not long after that dream, I got in touch with Todd Reichman over at AMantoFish, who is a legitimate creative business guru, and he sorted me and my business out. Tough love style. Instead of hiring more people, I reorganized my work schedule to take on more work, and better paying projects. Then even better paying projects materialized. For 2013, my goal (Shhh! Don't tell anyone!) is to clear $30,000 after taxes. It's a modest goal, but for a freelance writer just beginning to find her feet, it's where I'm comfortable. Considering what's been happening since October, I'm secretly hoping to overshoot it.

2013

I'm ready for it. 2012 was such a mad-dash year with the engagement, wedding, family drama, wedding blog, podcasting, starting new dream job managing travel bloggers, honeymoon, flubbing being a tour coordinator, constant fear of letting people down, constant guilt for never getting everything done. As 2012 wound to a close this week, I felt exhausted. A pervasive sleepiness that just wouldn't quit. My eyes were open, barely, but my will was still in bed.

But between 12/31 and 1/2, I've felt a surge of focus. Husband and I rearranged our living room drastically, which opened up my mind to new possibilities. Change that we control can be as invigorating as swimming in a lake on a hot day. Change that we don't control, of course, is always terrifying. Sometimes in a good way.

So what does 2013 have in store? My yearly horoscope:

2013: virgo overview
Virgo
2013 brings you sweeping change and intensity, Virgo. The biggest transformation takes place in the realm of the mind. Communication, correspondence and courses of new study carry great importance. Saturn, the cosmic taskmaster, is spending a good chunk of time in the sector of your chart ruling the mental realms and communication. If you're not already a powerful public speaker, teacher or writer, get ready to discover your latent potential to sway the masses with your power of speech! You're also hungry for knowledge in 2013, and will want to strengthen your skill set and beef up your resume with even more knowledge than you possess naturally.
Jupiter continues to bring the potential for great promise and recognition to your career zone this year. Prepare to push all of your projects most strongly during the first half of the year while you have the support of Jupiter. The second half of the year will be better spent socializing and creating community. You'll be more interested in meeting new people than promoting your work. Get ready to meet amazing and passionate folks who will remain in your life for years to come. 

The eclipse patterns stir up endings and new beginnings in relation to siblings, travel and legal issues. Siblings or close relatives could become a source of strain, and you'll have to create firm boundaries. In fact, boundaries in all realms of communication will serve you to avoid overload. Your life is about to become ridiculously busy and filled with more people than you know what to do with. At the end of the day, you're still a hermit at heart and need plenty of alone time, so be sure to carve that out regardless of how social your world becomes.

Oh great, more intensity. Can't help but groan a little there after this last year. But, it looks like the writing business will continue to take off, and then I might even manage a social life. That's one thing I've been wanting: friends. Working from home is a lonely business, though not so lonely as working in an office full of people with whom you have nothing in common (been there, done that, donated the T-shirt). I've been reading "MWF Seeks BFF" about a married late 20-something woman trying to make new friends in Chicago, and the parallels are striking. It's not easy to make friends after college.

The friendship issue has been on the top of my mind lately. I'm coming to the conclusion that my generation is extremely narcissistic. "Fundamental narcissism" is what I've been calling it. The kind of people who can't be bothered to go out of their way to be friends, but who are very happy if you go out of your way for them. Husband and I are just the kind of people who bend over backwards for everyone as a matter of good manners. Recognizing this Fundamental Narcissism it in far too many people I meet has made me deeply appreciate the notable exceptions to the rule. I just wish there were more of them, that they lived closer, and that we could have them over for dinner parties.

Husband and I were watching "Liberal Arts" last night, an independent film starring Ted Mosby (HIMYM), exploring the idea of adulthood after college. One line struck me "People are disappointing." And one of the themes was that the idealism and openness of college gets pummeled out of you by all of these disappointments. What can I say? It *can* be true. Yet I know people for whom it is not true. Some people stubbornly retain their idealism and positive view of humanity. Too bad those people are so damned far away.

If my 2013 horoscope is accurate (and aren't they always?), my island nation of WorkFromHome is soon to be occupied by people other than myself, my husband, and our few far-flung friends. That will be a most welcome change.

But enough of that - We stay positive around here no matter what. Fundamental Optimism is what I call it. My friend and writing partner sent me the best card ever. She writes:

"Truth or Dare? Dare you say? Super! I dare you...
1) To write haiku together on post-it-notes and decorate public bathrooms at a bar.
2) Reach out to someone on Craiglist who is new in town and seems normal but a bit lonely.
Mostly, my lovely friends, I wish you both Brand New moments and fiercely bold living in 2013."

May I wish the same to anyone reading this Chronicle of my Quarter Life Crisis.

Busy as Bees

I dreamed about bees last night. An entire room full of them. A giant hive of swarming black and yellow buzzing beasts. I've got a slight phobia about bees, well earned I think, since I was in England one summer and found one trapped in my UCLA sweatshirt - while I was wearing it. Ever since then, I hyperventilate if a bee buzzes by.

Dreams about bees:

"To see bees in your dream symbolize wealth, good luck, harmony, creativity and bliss. Bees are also symbolic of hard work and industry as represented by the common phrase "busy as a bee." Your hard work will pay off in the end with sweet results. Alternatively, the dream represents the things that are happening in your life or something that is buzzing with activity. Is there a lot going on in your life?  

If bees symbolize hard work and industry, that makes a lot of sense for me right now. I'm working so hard that my new husband comes home at 6:15 to find me still sitting at my desk, typing away. One quick kiss hello, I say "I just need 20 more minutes," and an hour later I finally emerge to fix dinner. It's a good night when I can stop work when he comes in the door, have a glass of wine and watch TV until bedtime.

A few factors have come together to make my life busy. I'm clinging onto my dream job of managing 20 bloggers for a women's adventure travel website by the skin of my teeth, though that job had expanded into other areas that I had to cut back for my own sanity. So, I should say I'm back to just managing 20 bloggers and minding the website, but there's still a bit of the other areas that creep in frequently. Manageable now. On top of that, the writing business is booming so much that I reached the limit of projects I could take on. So, I took on two partners.

Then we three took on enough work for three people. And then one partner got the opportunity of a lifetime to travel across the country and be featured in her own documentary. And then the other partner went to China, then Spain, and has a full-time job that pays her way better than writing - leaving one little Indian to hold down the camp. Me.

Well, I've been thinking I have to figure out how to make a real business out of this writing thing for a while, and now with three times more work than I can do, I am forced to do it - now. As in, hire people to take on the smaller projects so the ones that need all of my energy and expertise can get it. So, here I am, juggling big projects while trying to figure out a system for parceling out the smaller projects to people who work for me. My ... worker bees, if you will.

It's not easy. Figuring out how much to pay people for their work while still making money myself (because I still do editing, quality control, posting, and sourcing photos). Being terrible at math has finally caught up with me. Should I divide it based on percentages, flat rates, hourly? How do I not shortchange anyone, including myself?

It's like BOOM - You are Now an Adult. You're not just playing at being a freelance writing small business owner anymore, you actually are one. You have people working for you. Which would be great if I had the slightest idea of how to do this. Which I don't.

I really hope my dream about those terrifying bees "pays off in sweet results." I hope it's a good omen. I need it.

Quarter Life Travels - We're all trying to figure out where we're going

Sometimes it takes getting on the road to find out where you're going. I'm loving this new 20-something travel blogger, Alana, because she's exploring the same ideas I work on here but in the context of living in Thailand. For her, solving the great mystery of "What do I do if I can do anything?" is helped along by moving into an entirely different cultural context. She's insightful, smart, adventurous, and is in the same privileged pickle as the rest of us.

Like me, she was told from an early age that she can do ANYTHING. And like me, that led to more confusion than inspiration. What were we supposed to do with that? What happens when you are smart, talented, and don't have too many responsibilities limiting your life choices? How lucky are we.

The flip side, of course, is feeling pressure to do something with all the advantages we've been given. And that pressure is enormous and daunting. After a lifetime of being told how special we are by people who truly, and enthusiastically, believe in us - we can't be average. We can't. Average is failure, and failure to this little sub-set of Generation Y is mundus inversus (the world upside-down).

It's an interesting question, what happens to a child praised for its entire life when it reaches adulthood.

---

In other news - My 2012 Horoscope has been crazy-accurate. It's been a non-stop marathon since January. No rest for the wicked, to such an extent that I've had to turn down jobs. I'm not making money hand over fist quite yet since the wedding is taking up gobs of time, but I've definitely been able to do more shopping than I have in years. And my dream job - still my dream job. Love it. Managing a women's adventure travel website is almost as cool as it sounds (and it sounds really cool, doesn't it?).

2012 Here we Come

Happy New Year!

Time for those awful New Year's Resolutions. I really wish I had something profound, but I don't. First, a little 2012 Virgo Horoscope

This year is all about non-stop action for you, Virgo. With Mars spending the entire first half of 2012 in your sign, you may start to wonder if there will be any break in sight before 2013. The first quarter of the year will be under Mars's retrograde influence, a transit that could push you into a semi-neurotic workaholic mode. Be sure to give yourself plenty of physical outlets in order to channel all that excess Mars energy. 

 Boy, they got that right, those smarty stars. I'm starting a new job in a week that I am stoked about. I don't think I have ever been this unreservedly stoked about a job in my life. Floating on Cloud 9 here! And, because of that enthusiasm, I'm going to be a total neurotic workaholic mess for the next few months. I'm going to need a lot of exercise too.

I'm feeling ready for it. I've had a few days of almost-vacation (if drafting a book while waiting for tardy friends to show up to lunch counts as vacay?) and I feel pretty refreshed for the new year. That's good, because it will be a doozy - in a good way.

My financial sector is set to go gangbusters, according to the stars and the fact I've already landed this awesome job. So the financial slump I've been in since 2009 (which is when I quit my full time job with City government) is finally going to change for the better. Yay! Shopping!

June's full Moon lunar eclipse in your domestic sector is the beginning of many profound changes to affect both home and career prospects between late 2012 and early 2013.

June is the WEDDING. Holy Carp, I'm getting married. June 10th, 2012. That's a profound change alright.
Which leads me to my totally lame resolutions:

1. Lose 20 pounds, with a goal weight of 140, for THE WEDDING.
2. Work out, esp upper body, for the next six months to look great in my strapless WEDDING dress.
3. Organize my time better so I can keep up with the wedding blog, new job, podcasts, and other writing clients. I'm pretty organized now, but there is no room for error!
4. Pay off my credit cards completely before the wedding.
5. Become even more of a master in SEO, Social Media, and learn how to create a decent website. I'd like to get more into that. Not so much the scripting stuff as making a website that functions immediately and in line with SEO guidelines. So many small businesses that I love need websites and I'd love to be able to do that for them.

Ok, that's it. Diet starts tomorrow, and I'm swearing off wine and beer for the month of January. Martinis are ok, only because I can't bring myself to drink that much gin at a time.

Cheers!

And dude, if any 20-something creative type stumbles across this blog, which I keep purely for my own reflections, I just gotta say, you can absolutely have the life you want, even in this economy. It's up to you to create your place in the world. And it's totally possible.

6. With that in mind, I'm going to add one more resolution to my list. I've got a couple writer friends who are feeling a bit clueless as to how to make a living, so my last resolution is to do something to help them. Maybe through All Who Wander, maybe through hooking them up with compatible gigs. I don't know yet, but my last resolution is to take what I know and help someone with it.

Here I thought I wouldn't have any profound resolutions.

Two Years Worth of Goals, Largely Accomplished

I started this blog two years ago. Two years! And hot damn, right not it seems like my life is finally where I want it to be. I'm planning my budget wedding for this coming June, I've started a wedding podcast, I've learned SEO, I'm supporting myself solely by being a freelance writer working from home, and last night I got the news that I was accepted for my dream job: managing editor of a major travel website, owned by the amazing woman whose tour took me to India - two years ago. How's that for a twist of fate?

So many goals reached in just two years. And I still need to lose 10 pounds. Oh well. ;)

On my Little Sister's Graduation from Middle School

My oldest little sister graduates Middle School today, entering the hallowed halls of high school in just a few weeks. Although we are very different people, I created a list of things I wish I had known going in. Hopefully these words of wisdom will help her out.

For her parents' sake, I did not include "My only regret from high school is not leaving it faster." Although that is precisely what I'll tell my own kids someday, along with a few disparaging remarks on honors programs, AP programs, and extra-curricular terrorism. Here's what I did say:

Dear Tori,

Congratulations on making it through Middle School! Believe it or not, but you’ve just graduated from some of the toughest years life can throw at you. High School is better. Here are a few things I wish someone had told me when I entered high school. It’s kind of a cheat-sheet to get you through the next four years.

• 1.     Now is the perfect time to change your name. Sick of “Tori”? Introduce yourself as Victoria on day one, and that’s your name for the next four years.
• 2.    This is your first lesson in high school math: your gpa drops dramatically if you miss assignments, or hand them in late, so it’s better to hand in anything on time.
• 3.    If you get along with everyone and the teachers and administrators like you, you can get away with a helluva lot more.
• 4.    Be kind to everyone. High school is a nicer place than middle school, but there are still kids who have a rough time. Make their lives a little easier through being kind and helpful. In the end, this is what makes you popular.
• 5.    Don’t believe anything you read in teen magazines about boys and how to attract them, or how to tell if they like you. It’s all lies. Few boys are interested in dating girls in high school – they just aren’t there yet. The ones who are dating every girl in school are skanks. Also, Juniors and Seniors who date freshmen are skanks, even if they are hot.
• 6.    Don’t drive yourself crazy with extra-curricular activities. Take time to do things that are just for you. Explore and pursue your own interests that may or may not have anything to do with school, and develop your talents no matter whether they’ll look good on college applications. This is the stuff that makes you an interesting person.
• 7.    If you have a dream, pursue it with all the energy and passion you have. People will tell you that what you want to do is hard, or impossible, or any number of other reasons to discourage you. The secret is: everything is hard. Nothing is easy. But doing what you love is worth it.

Also, if you choose to wear a thong, don’t let it show above your jeans. I still remember the girl who sat in front of me in English class with the hot pink thong. Don’t be that girl.

Best of luck on this new adventure. You will be brilliant!

Much Love,

Lauren (Who went by “Queen Elizabeth I” in high school – how’s that for a nickname?)

Moving on from Wonderland

"Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it."

-The Duchess, Alice in Wonderland

For the past three months I have been down the rabbit hole in a place filled with real characters. And while sipping tea with the Queen and Cheshire Cat, while trying not to lose my head, I wrote a few goals down for when I found my way home. Here they are:

Professional Goals:

1. Raise rates to the level of a mature writer. I'm no longer a beginner, and it's time I got fair wages.

2. Ask the Oasis Camel Dairy if they need a writer for any of their PR material. I love camels and they're not that far away! 

3. Find a print publication for the best article I have ever written. It's done, I need to find it a good home.

4. Enroll in the multimedia reporting class that I put off for rabbit hole-spelunking. 

5. Find another writing gig - I have my hopes up for a wedding website and an interview is in the works!

Personal Goals:

1. Spend a day walking around Fullerton, and shop at Roadkill - this amazing vintage clothing store - when I've lost another 8 pounds.

2. Sunbathe as much as possible. Vitamin D is the new 'It' cure for everything.

3. Exercise every day. I'm loading my iPod with NPR stories now.

4. Get down to my goal weight, only another 10 pounds! Must achieve by friend's wedding.

5. Start cooking for my dear boyfriend again. I haven't cooked in weeks and lived off of cold pizza for the last five days. I don't know what my poor boyfriend has been doing for food.

More later - looks like I'm heading back to Wonderland, and it's quite different from how it was last time!

Two days in to the Year of the Rabbit

I'm home coughing, writing a 1500 word travel article, and half-watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. And may I just say to all future brides out there, please, Please, don't start screaming like you just won Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes when the ceremony ends. Additionally, don't enter your reception as if you are the star quarterback running out onto the field through the air-puffed tunnel on game day. Both behaviors are unseemly and they piss. me. off.

I'm easily pissed off this week. I've been working 10 hour days on my "part-time" job with event planning, weathering storms, putting out metaphorical fires, and getting drenched and burned alternately. But, I don't want to talk about that. I'm just trying to keep the strain from making me ill-tempered because my dear boyfriend has been kindly putting up with a mad-woman. We've already done that, I don't want to do that to him or myself again. Even though this is different - my boss is a lovely person whom I admire, respect, and look forward to interacting with. I know - lucky, right? Doing a cool job under a boss who is really nice. If that were the whole story I'd be ... well, I wouldn't be coughing my head off trying to finish up a 1500 word article at 11pm at night on a Friday.

But I don't want to talk about that. I'm cranky, and I'd be whining if I hadn't lost my voice on Wednesday so I'm making up for it virtually. Unfortunately, this past week appears to be par for the course for the Year of the crummy grass-eating Rabbit. It doesn't look good for me people. The Chinese have it in for me this year. And you know how I believe in this stuff.

"This is a Metal year, and that's your most favorable element. So even though this year is less than 50 percent favorable overall for you, you still end up with half of it going your way. And there's more. Yours is not the first sign for nothing. You're probably quicker, shrewder and more charming than the Rabbit. Remember the story about the wolf in goat's clothing? Well if you dress up in Rabbit's clothing, you can increase your chance of success. When someone rubs you the wrong way, put on your sweetest bunny smile, bite your tongue and enjoy the taste of blood as you fight the urge to give that idiot a tongue lashing. Avoid confrontation, but do pick your spots. There will be plenty of opportunities. Bunny style may not appeal to you, but if it gets you what you want, and it will, why not do a makeover? Next year you can revert to your old self as you soar with the Dragon.

Rat Rating

46% (6 favorable and 6 unfavorable months)

Rat Career

If working with people is a big part of your job, you might find it difficult to make a lot of progress this year. The Rabbit could bring out the worst in you, as it encourages yielding to emotions. You, on the other hand, probably do best when you use logic. This is a time for diplomacy, for presenting a soft face to the people you work with. The more Rabbit-like you can make yourself, the better will be your chances of success. It's not the best time for a career move. If that's what you've been thinking about, you might want to wait until next year, which should be a very favorable time for you. For now, stay the course. Don't make waves. And just be a good member of the team."

Laugh at me if you must, but I've already seen some of those predictions start to unfold. I've been doing more than my fair share of Rabbit-reactions this week, which is not good. See, I've figured myself out, and I know that I am literally Nice To A Fault. I don't stand up for myself, my first reaction to receiving anger or rebuke is stunned and confused apology. I am horribly polite, and like some particularly loyal animal breeds, I'll work until my heart quits to please. I'm trying to work on this. To my credit, I have sent some very direct - though polite - emails this week. The level of illness and exhaustion I had to reach in order to summon the bravery to send those emails is embarrassing, but still, it's progress.

So while the Chinese are telling this Rat to be a sweet bunny, I think it's part of my personal growth this year to learn how to stick up for myself professionally (my boyfriend will tell you that I stick up for myself with nooo problem at home). With that in mind, I am thankful that I'll at least have 6 "good" months, because that's more than I'd hope for with a tough personal mission like this. 

Now, back to writing about "Me Time" in tropical paradises... 

2011 Horoscope of Awesomeness

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story." 
-Barney, HIMYM

It's the last stressful day of a stressful week of event-planning. I'm teaching myself how to handle the stresses better with every day, and every day asking myself if it's worth it. But then I see my credit card statement and decide that yes, for now, it is. 


Last night I dreamt of my old boss from my horrible horrible job. I was leaving, cleaning out my cubicle, and he was helping me pick things up. Actually talking to me like I was a human being. He accused me of ruining his life, but in a defeated way that made me feel he was a human being too, and I wished him the best of luck - it was a cathartic mutual forgiveness of sorts. I don't think I'm in a similar situation now, but I can't help always watching for signs it might go that way. The last vestiges of PTSD, waiting for the other shoe to fall. I will never let myself be treated that way again.


On to the good news. Remember that Wish Upon a Blog in which I asked the Universe for more money this year? Well, first of all, I'm totally getting it (yay!), and secondly, my 2011 Yearly Horoscope backs me up on this. Check this out:

2011 Horoscope:

2011 is all about showing Virgo the money. Being the bona fide workaholic of the zodiac, you have certainly earned your right to demand the six figures through long hours and heaps of your own blood, sweat and tears over the past several years. And you've certainly suffered enough losses and endured enough tests of faith in the financial department to prove your substance. [All true, I've never been poorer. Or happier.] As much as you get off on the occasional masochistic work jag, you can't help but wonder when things are going to get easier. Well hang tight Virgin, because the bonus you so desperately need and deserve should arrive between March and June of 2011. [DUDE: March 11th is the date of the Giant Event I've been laboring over! This is so accurate.] A major conglomeration of fiery planets activates your sector of other people's money, including the luckiest planet of them all -- Jupiter. If that doesn't bring some kind of windfall, loan or access to a serious line of credit you're going about your business all kinds of wrong. [Other people's money - heck yeah. Turns out event-planning is 99% about getting other people's money. I'm glad some will be coming my way.]

[Now here's the part I don't get - I don't think I have skeletons in my psychic closet. We'll see.]

You're also getting ready to shed some serious skin starting this March. With Uranus, the change god joining forces with Jupiter in your sector of psychological change: you're preparing to face some serious skeletons in your psychic closet. Rather than applying your brilliant yet critical mind in assessing other people's shortcomings, you're ready to confront your own strengths and weaknesses on a new level. This year favors the clean slate approach to all matters of self-help, renewal and transformation of your personality. You're leaving many aspects of your old self behind in order to become a better and more authentic version of who you really are. [--- Love this last line. That's the goal people. Well, that and getting more money.]

While we make other plans...

December 24th Horoscope:

"There's so much happening right now that rather than feeling a part of all the hustle and bustle, you may be tempted to just keep your head down and stick to your projects and plans. The thing is, if you can grab onto some of the energy around you, you'll see entirely new ways of handling it all -- ways that are not only more productive, but way more fun. Similarly, tonight your instinct may be to hole up with a cozy blanket, but if you get out in the world, you'll find it beautiful and bright."


My horoscopes have been eerily accurate lately. The past week has been entirely about manic organization because I just started a new gig: Event planning for Habitat for Humanity.


No, there is no Event Planning anywhere on my resume. Nada. Nuttin'. 


So how did this happen? There's this guy, we'll call him Robert. Robert was a manager of sorts for two of the websites for which I was writing, and we got along really well. To me, it seems like Robert operates almost entirely on borderline psychic intuition about people - and judging from his success rate, he's right a lot more often than not. He knew he wanted to work with me, and I knew I liked working with him. So when he decided to take on planning events for Habitat for Humanity again this year (he has quite a lot of experience with them), he brought me on to assist. From a brief meeting months ago and many phone and Skype conversations, he got the feeling that I'd be great for the job.


I've been having heart-attacks daily ever since. Seriously, event planning is a non-stop adrenaline rush and I am constantly panicked that I will forget one of the myriad details on which success hinges. But, this is only the end of the first week. 


It has to get easier. 


My point is, however, that this is weird Kismet / Karma / Serendipity / Fate kind of stuff. There's no other explanation for how I've found myself here. One thing I haven't even told Robert is that my Great, Great Uncle is Paul Harris - Founder of the Rotary Club. The parallels between me and Paul are starting to creep me out: He was a wandering journalist / Jack of all trades in his youth, loved to travel, and then found himself creating one of the first grand-scale non-profits in history. If there is conscious life after death, then Paul Harris is getting a kick out of this. I'm praying that he'll pull a few heavenly strings and help me out. 


And hey - remember my wish for the new year? Making more money. Am I? You betcha. Just not quite the way I anticipated.

SPLAT

"A man climbed a mountain high in the Himalayas to speak to the Wise Man who lived there. The man had one question: Which way leads to success? The Wise Man pointed; the man started walking. After a while, he walked straight into a wall. SPLAT. He turned around, climbed back up the mountain, and asked the Wise Man, 'I went that way and walked into a wall. Now which way lies success?' The Wise Man pointed in another direction and the man started walking. SPLAT. By this time, the man was getting really ticked off. He stomped back up the mountain and yelled at the Wise Man: 'Every time I walk where you're pointing, I walk straight into a wall. Now you tell me how to find success!'

This time, the Wise Man spoke.

'Success is that way. Just past SPLAT."

Time for a 26th Year Check-in. I was reading "The Quarter Life Chronicle" this morning by a blogger whom I've never met, but who shares my fascination for this particularly brutal time of life, and it inspired me to review my own Chronicles of my Quarter Life Crisis.

I have not been reading Pico Iyer.

After re-reading my post about my 26th year goals, that one is the failure that sticks out and galls me most. It's not for lack of trying. I did actively look for Pico Iyer books in Seattle, and found the sequel to Robyn Davidson's "Tracks" instead (she took off with a band of camels across the Australian outback - great book). But, while I have not yet joined the ranks of the literary elite, I did stumble across another age-defining book: Someday My Prince Will Come, by Jerramy Fine.

Jerramy is a girl just as delusional as I am, but the difference is that she hauled ass to try to make her fairytale story come true. For the first hundred pages, I was thinking both "This girl is nuts" and "we are so much alike, but I'd never have the nerve to write it in print." It's one thing to firmly believe you are meant to be a princess; it's another to make that your defining life goal, leave your hippy-dippy parents in a mountain town, travel to England, wrangle your way into high society, and meet the prince you were looking for.

Hey - I tried. I just didn't try nearly has hard as she did. And that's the most amazing thing: this is an Autobiographical book of a girl only a few years older than myself. Yes, she is obsessive. Yes, she comes off as crazy (only because she actually says what we other crazies never utter in public). But she went after her dream single-mindedly, hitting walls and going SPLAT at every turn, and never stopping. It's an incredibly inspirational read, even if I've replaced "Princess" with "Journalist" as my life's goal.

Jerramy Fine, I like you better than Pico freakin' Iyer. The literary elite be damned.

Now, as for my 26th Year Goals Progress Report:

1. Increase Income. (When you wish upon a blog - it just might come true. I have seen my monthly income increase little by little, but it is still far from a living wage. Work In Progress).

2. Lose 10 more pounds. (Nope).

3. Learn photography so my Nikon D5000 is second-nature. (I just spent a weekend taking professional animal photos at an obediance trial, during which I got to know my camera a lot better. Still, work in progress.)

4. Travel to Germany and the American South. (I've eaten lots of sausage and chicken n' waffles, does that count?)

5. Create and maintain All Who Wander. (Work in Progress. We have our mission statement, and I think the second half of this year will see a lot more activity).

Adding:

6. Become an SEO expert and learn Multimedia reporting (video editing, audio editing, internety technical stuff).

That last one is the result of a disasterous job application to become a Patch Local Editor. [SPLAT] I don't even want to get into it - too soon, too irritating. You would think that TWO recommendations from current Local Editors in addition to my very nice resume and cover letter might make an impact - but not if the recruiter doesn't bother to read anything you sent before making up her mind not to hire you before she even picks up the phone to call you for your interview. [SPLAT SPLAT].

On the bright side, it has spurred me into taking a Multimedia Reporting class that I have been meaning to take for a while, which should perfect my resume so completely that even a recruiter who doesn't read it, cannot fail to be impressed.

I know that last sentence does not make sense. Just go with me on this one.

SPLAT.

Star Power

Ah Ha! I found a suitable Horoscope, courtesy of Numerology this time. Here is my forecast for 2010 according to my Life/Destiny number of 3:

"Personal Year for Number: 3
There are opportunities to expand & develop, the fruits of your labour of the past few years is about to be rewarded, whether in business or personal relationships.

The influence this year is to experience pleasure & happiness & to express the joy of being alive. [Totally True] Be enthusiastic in your endeavours. Enjoy your friends, lead an active social life, & enjoy yourself, it is time to have fun with as little responsibility as possible. You must not however, indulge only in superficial activities. Love & romance are here to be experienced & enjoyed with the possibility of marriage or long-term commitment. [Yikes!] Concentrate on opportunities for self-improvement, particularly in the area of using any creative talents. Emphasise your ideas involving your creative talents such as acting, singing or writing, (you may surprise yourself). [Yes, Yes] Use your intuition, imagination & inspiration. [And Yes] It is possible for a promotion or recognition in your area of employment, whatever happens will be a sound basis for the future. You may enjoy the satisfaction & accomplishment of bringing certain projects to a conclusion. Self-indulgence or extravagance could impeded your progress. All in all, enjoy & have fun!"


Ok, I feel much better now. The stars are aligning in my favor.

Speaking of stars, I just interviewed Mark Ballas from "Dancing with the Stars" last night for an article. Work is definitely picking up, and I am being recognized in my area of employment! Celebrity Interviewer Extraordinaire - yep, that's me.

Be careful what you wish for

"Ask, and you shall receive." - The Bible, somewhere

Ok, it's been like a DAY since I put it out into the universe that I wanted more money - and what did I get?

More work!

Don't get me wrong, I love more work, but I'm getting a lot of jobs that pay a little, instead of a few more jobs that pay a lot. So, hey, I believe in The Secret, and I'm putting it out there into the Universe right now: Big paychecks and more of them.

There.

When you wish upon a blog...

In other fairytale news, it looks like I may be attending a ball on Monday. Or at least a real-world equivalent. I have no suitable shoes for the purpose yet. I wonder if Cinderella went around feeling as frazzled as I am. My 26th year is getting off to an interesting start.

Two Days into my 26th Year

I was always terrible at keeping a diary. I'd write in it every day for about a week, then the entries would get shorter, and then stop altogether. I think that is the normal life-cycle for diaries, but for a writer, that is a youth of which to be ashamed.

It seems my habits have not improved.

But I love having this silly blog to check back with after every few months and see how far I've come. I've been 26 for a little over a day now, and have been reflecting. I saw the movie version of Eat, Pray, Love yesterday with Julia Roberts - if you remember I started out this year by reading the book - so that sort of brought me full circle literarily. In terms of goals:

1. Lose 10 pounds.  I lost 15, and am still working on another 10, but I'm more fit than ever. Buff even.
2. Get and maintain a tan. Double Check. I didn't know I could be so gloriously brown.

3. Travel around the world to England, India and Japan. And traveled to San Francico and Seattle.

4. Get published in a magazine under my own byline (ghostwriting doesn’t count). - I wish I could cross this off, but I can't. I have pitched Seventeen Magazine, NPR's This American Life, and Westways magazine though, with no luck.

5. Become a journalist. (Nope) - With the journalism industry tied up in celtic knots, no one is getting in right now. But, I have it on good authority (from the Travel Editor of a major newspaper!) that I am doing everything right. I'm also excited to be writing for GlobalShift, a website that gives me the freedom to write about any cause I choose, and I'm putting out some very exciting, high quality work.
 
At least I can say that #4 and #5 weren't failed for lack of trying.
 
Other things have happened this year. I met a new writer friend in OC, who then promptly moved to San Francisco. I've become closer to two of my other writer-friends, one of whom got engaged, the other of whom got dis-engaged (un-engaged?). Basically, I have surrounded myself with immensely talented, wicked-smart people, which is absolutely heaven. And, I've come up with an idea for a website: AllWhoWander.
 
AllWhoWander will be the big project for the next few months. I've written the mission statement - essentially, a resource to help creative young people forge the path from college (or high school) to career. And we're getting the site, logo, and content together as I write this. I'm excited about it. It's a lot of work to start a website, especially one like this, but I and my friends are up to the task.
 
My freelance writing career is steadily growing. I make a little more money each month than the previous month, but it is slow-going. My goal for this next year is to increase income. In fact, I'll write myself another To Do List:
 
26th Year Goals
 
1. Increase Income.
2. Lose 10 more pounds, and gain 5 back (I just want to be my goal weight long enough to take pictures proving I was there - then I'd like to eat again).
3. Learn photography so my Nikon D5000 is second-nature.
4. Travel to Germany and the American South.
5. Create and maintain All Who Wander.
 
So far, as of day 2 of being 26, I think I have succeeded only in killing my indoor palm.
 
Last year began with such an enormous sense of relief, and a torrent of creative energy that was released as a result. I was giddy with it. Granted, it took me months to stop feeling like I had PTSD from that horrible horrible job, but after India, I was pretty well healed. Now I've had a year of being happy on a daily basis, almost feeling guilty about it because so few people have life this good. If my 25th year was about healing, re-energizing, and re-focusing, this year must be about using all of that energy and focus to accomplish goals and make great strides in my career as a writer.
 
Last year also began with a reading list. This year, I plan to study an author: Pico Iyer. My friend Miranda idolizes him, and I've been feeling disenfranchised from the writerly-intellectual community for not having read anything by him. And now that I've read through every single Sookie Stackhouse Chronicle, I think I'll have the time.