Chronicles of My Quarter Life Crisis

2012 Here we Come

2011-12-31T10:54:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Time for those awful New Year's Resolutions. I really wish I had something profound, but I don't. First, a little 2012 Virgo Horoscope

This year is all about non-stop action for you, Virgo. With Mars spending the entire first half of 2012 in your sign, you may start to wonder if there will be any break in sight before 2013. The first quarter of the year will be under Mars's retrograde influence, a transit that could push you into a semi-neurotic workaholic mode. Be sure to give yourself plenty of physical outlets in order to channel all that excess Mars energy.

Boy, they got that right, those smarty stars. I'm starting a new job in a week that I am stoked about. I don't think I have ever been this unreservedly stoked about a job in my life. Floating on Cloud 9 here! And, because of that enthusiasm, I'm going to be a total neurotic workaholic mess for the next few months. I'm going to need a lot of exercise too.

I'm feeling ready for it. I've had a few days of almost-vacation (if drafting a book while waiting for tardy friends to show up to lunch counts as vacay?) and I feel pretty refreshed for the new year. That's good, because it will be a doozy - in a good way.

My financial sector is set to go gangbusters, according to the stars and the fact I've already landed this awesome job. So the financial slump I've been in since 2009 (which is when I quit my full time job with City government) is finally going to change for the better. Yay! Shopping!

June's full Moon lunar eclipse in your domestic sector is the beginning of many profound changes to affect both home and career prospects between late 2012 and early 2013.

June is the WEDDING. Holy Carp, I'm getting married. June 10th, 2012. That's a profound change alright.
Which leads me to my totally lame resolutions:

1. Lose 20 pounds, with a goal weight of 140, for THE WEDDING.
2. Work out, esp upper body, for the next six months to look great in my strapless WEDDING dress.
3. Organize my time better so I can keep up with the wedding blog, new job, podcasts, and other writing clients. I'm pretty organized now, but there is no room for error!
4. Pay off my credit cards completely before the wedding.
5. Become even more of a master in SEO, Social Media, and learn how to create a decent website. I'd like to get more into that. Not so much the scripting stuff as making a website that functions immediately and in line with SEO guidelines. So many small businesses that I love need websites and I'd love to be able to do that for them.

Ok, that's it. Diet starts tomorrow, and I'm swearing off wine and beer for the month of January. Martinis are ok, only because I can't bring myself to drink that much gin at a time.

Cheers!

And dude, if any 20-something creative type stumbles across this blog, which I keep purely for my own reflections, I just gotta say, you can absolutely have the life you want, even in this economy. It's up to you to create your place in the world. And it's totally possible.

6. With that in mind, I'm going to add one more resolution to my list. I've got a couple writer friends who are feeling a bit clueless as to how to make a living, so my last resolution is to do something to help them. Maybe through All Who Wander, maybe through hooking them up with compatible gigs. I don't know yet, but my last resolution is to take what I know and help someone with it.

Here I thought I wouldn't have any profound resolutions.

Two Years Worth of Goals, Largely Accomplished

2011-12-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

I started this blog two years ago. Two years! And hot damn, right not it seems like my life is finally where I want it to be. I'm planning my budget wedding for this coming June, I've started a wedding podcast, I've learned SEO, I'm supporting myself solely by being a freelance writer working from home, and last night I got the news that I was accepted for my dream job: managing editor of a major travel website, owned by the amazing woman whose tour took me to India - two years ago. How's that for a twist of fate?

So many goals reached in just two years. And I still need to lose 10 pounds. Oh well. ;)

On my Little Sister's Graduation from Middle School

2011-06-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

My oldest little sister graduates Middle School today, entering the hallowed halls of high school in just a few weeks. Although we are very different people, I created a list of things I wish I had known going in. Hopefully these words of wisdom will help her out.

For her parents' sake, I did not include "My only regret from high school is not leaving it faster." Although that is precisely what I'll tell my own kids someday, along with a few disparaging remarks on honors programs, AP programs, and extra-curricular terrorism. Here's what I did say:

Dear Tori,

Congratulations on making it through Middle School! Believe it or not, but you’ve just graduated from some of the toughest years life can throw at you. High School is better. Here are a few things I wish someone had told me when I entered high school. It’s kind of a cheat-sheet to get you through the next four years.

1. Now is the perfect time to change your name. Sick of “Tori”? Introduce yourself as Victoria on day one, and that’s your name for the next four years.
2. This is your first lesson in high school math: your gpa drops dramatically if you miss assignments, or hand them in late, so it’s better to hand in anything on time.
3. If you get along with everyone and the teachers and administrators like you, you can get away with a helluva lot more.
4. Be kind to everyone. High school is a nicer place than middle school, but there are still kids who have a rough time. Make their lives a little easier through being kind and helpful. In the end, this is what makes you popular.
5. Don’t believe anything you read in teen magazines about boys and how to attract them, or how to tell if they like you. It’s all lies. Few boys are interested in dating girls in high school – they just aren’t there yet. The ones who are dating every girl in school are skanks. Also, Juniors and Seniors who date freshmen are skanks, even if they are hot.
6. Don’t drive yourself crazy with extra-curricular activities. Take time to do things that are just for you. Explore and pursue your own interests that may or may not have anything to do with school, and develop your talents no matter whether they’ll look good on college applications. This is the stuff that makes you an interesting person.
7. If you have a dream, pursue it with all the energy and passion you have. People will tell you that what you want to do is hard, or impossible, or any number of other reasons to discourage you. The secret is: everything is hard. Nothing is easy. But doing what you love is worth it.

Also, if you choose to wear a thong, don’t let it show above your jeans. I still remember the girl who sat in front of me in English class with the hot pink thong. Don’t be that girl.

Best of luck on this new adventure. You will be brilliant!

Much Love,

Lauren (Who went by “Queen Elizabeth I” in high school – how’s that for a nickname?)

Moving on from Wonderland

2011-03-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

"Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it."

-The Duchess, Alice in Wonderland

For the past three months I have been down the rabbit hole in a place filled with real characters. And while sipping tea with the Queen and Cheshire Cat, while trying not to lose my head, I wrote a few goals down for when I found my way home. Here they are:

Professional Goals:

1. Raise rates to the level of a mature writer. I'm no longer a beginner, and it's time I got fair wages.

2. Ask the Oasis Camel Dairy if they need a writer for any of their PR material. I love camels and they're not that far away!

3. Find a print publication for the best article I have ever written. It's done, I need to find it a good home.

4. Enroll in the multimedia reporting class that I put off for rabbit hole-spelunking.

5. Find another writing gig - I have my hopes up for a wedding website and an interview is in the works!

Personal Goals:

1. Spend a day walking around Fullerton, and shop at Roadkill - this amazing vintage clothing store - when I've lost another 8 pounds.

2. Sunbathe as much as possible. Vitamin D is the new 'It' cure for everything.

3. Exercise every day. I'm loading my iPod with NPR stories now.

4. Get down to my goal weight, only another 10 pounds! Must achieve by friend's wedding.

5. Start cooking for my dear boyfriend again. I haven't cooked in weeks and lived off of cold pizza for the last five days. I don't know what my poor boyfriend has been doing for food.

More later - looks like I'm heading back to Wonderland, and it's quite different from how it was last time!

Two days in to the Year of the Rabbit

2011-02-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

I'm home coughing, writing a 1500 word travel article, and half-watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. And may I just say to all future brides out there, please, Please, don't start screaming like you just won Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes when the ceremony ends. Additionally, don't enter your reception as if you are the star quarterback running out onto the field through the air-puffed tunnel on game day. Both behaviors are unseemly and they piss. me. off.

I'm easily pissed off this week. I've been working 10 hour days on my "part-time" job with event planning, weathering storms, putting out metaphorical fires, and getting drenched and burned alternately. But, I don't want to talk about that. I'm just trying to keep the strain from making me ill-tempered because my dear boyfriend has been kindly putting up with a mad-woman. We've already done that, I don't want to do that to him or myself again. Even though this is different - my boss is a lovely person whom I admire, respect, and look forward to interacting with. I know - lucky, right? Doing a cool job under a boss who is really nice. If that were the whole story I'd be ... well, I wouldn't be coughing my head off trying to finish up a 1500 word article at 11pm at night on a Friday.

But I don't want to talk about that. I'm cranky, and I'd be whining if I hadn't lost my voice on Wednesday so I'm making up for it virtually. Unfortunately, this past week appears to be par for the course for the Year of the crummy grass-eating Rabbit. It doesn't look good for me people. The Chinese have it in for me this year. And you know how I believe in this stuff.

"This is a Metal year, and that's your most favorable element. So even though this year is less than 50 percent favorable overall for you, you still end up with half of it going your way. And there's more. Yours is not the first sign for nothing. You're probably quicker, shrewder and more charming than the Rabbit. Remember the story about the wolf in goat's clothing? Well if you dress up in Rabbit's clothing, you can increase your chance of success. When someone rubs you the wrong way, put on your sweetest bunny smile, bite your tongue and enjoy the taste of blood as you fight the urge to give that idiot a tongue lashing. Avoid confrontation, but do pick your spots. There will be plenty of opportunities. Bunny style may not appeal to you, but if it gets you what you want, and it will, why not do a makeover? Next year you can revert to your old self as you soar with the Dragon.

Rat Rating

46% (6 favorable and 6 unfavorable months)

Rat Career

If working with people is a big part of your job, you might find it difficult to make a lot of progress this year. The Rabbit could bring out the worst in you, as it encourages yielding to emotions. You, on the other hand, probably do best when you use logic. This is a time for diplomacy, for presenting a soft face to the people you work with. The more Rabbit-like you can make yourself, the better will be your chances of success. It's not the best time for a career move. If that's what you've been thinking about, you might want to wait until next year, which should be a very favorable time for you. For now, stay the course. Don't make waves. And just be a good member of the team."

Laugh at me if you must, but I've already seen some of those predictions start to unfold. I've been doing more than my fair share of Rabbit-reactions this week, which is not good. See, I've figured myself out, and I know that I am literally Nice To A Fault. I don't stand up for myself, my first reaction to receiving anger or rebuke is stunned and confused apology. I am horribly polite, and like some particularly loyal animal breeds, I'll work until my heart quits to please. I'm trying to work on this. To my credit, I have sent some very direct - though polite - emails this week. The level of illness and exhaustion I had to reach in order to summon the bravery to send those emails is embarrassing, but still, it's progress.

So while the Chinese are telling this Rat to be a sweet bunny, I think it's part of my personal growth this year to learn how to stick up for myself professionally (my boyfriend will tell you that I stick up for myself with nooo problem at home). With that in mind, I am thankful that I'll at least have 6 "good" months, because that's more than I'd hope for with a tough personal mission like this.

Now, back to writing about "Me Time" in tropical paradises...

2011 Horoscope of Awesomeness

2011-01-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."
-Barney, HIMYM

It's the last stressful day of a stressful week of event-planning. I'm teaching myself how to handle the stresses better with every day, and every day asking myself if it's worth it. But then I see my credit card statement and decide that yes, for now, it is.

Last night I dreamt of my old boss from my horrible horrible job. I was leaving, cleaning out my cubicle, and he was helping me pick things up. Actually talking to me like I was a human being. He accused me of ruining his life, but in a defeated way that made me feel he was a human being too, and I wished him the best of luck - it was a cathartic mutual forgiveness of sorts. I don't think I'm in a similar situation now, but I can't help always watching for signs it might go that way. The last vestiges of PTSD, waiting for the other shoe to fall. I will never let myself be treated that way again.

On to the good news. Remember that Wish Upon a Blog in which I asked the Universe for more money this year? Well, first of all, I'm totally getting it (yay!), and secondly, my 2011 Yearly Horoscope backs me up on this. Check this out:

2011 Horoscope:

2011 is all about showing Virgo the money. Being the bona fide workaholic of the zodiac, you have certainly earned your right to demand the six figures through long hours and heaps of your own blood, sweat and tears over the past several years. And you've certainly suffered enough losses and endured enough tests of faith in the financial department to prove your substance. [All true, I've never been poorer. Or happier.] As much as you get off on the occasional masochistic work jag, you can't help but wonder when things are going to get easier. Well hang tight Virgin, because the bonus you so desperately need and deserve should arrive between March and June of 2011. [DUDE: March 11th is the date of the Giant Event I've been laboring over! This is so accurate.] A major conglomeration of fiery planets activates your sector of other people's money, including the luckiest planet of them all -- Jupiter. If that doesn't bring some kind of windfall, loan or access to a serious line of credit you're going about your business all kinds of wrong. [Other people's money - heck yeah. Turns out event-planning is 99% about getting other people's money. I'm glad some will be coming my way.]

[Now here's the part I don't get - I don't think I have skeletons in my psychic closet. We'll see.]

You're also getting ready to shed some serious skin starting this March. With Uranus, the change god joining forces with Jupiter in your sector of psychological change: you're preparing to face some serious skeletons in your psychic closet. Rather than applying your brilliant yet critical mind in assessing other people's shortcomings, you're ready to confront your own strengths and weaknesses on a new level. This year favors the clean slate approach to all matters of self-help, renewal and transformation of your personality. You're leaving many aspects of your old self behind in order to become a better and more authentic version of who you really are. [--- Love this last line. That's the goal people. Well, that and getting more money.]

While we make other plans...

2010-12-23T20:13:00.000-08:00

December 24th Horoscope:

"There's so much happening right now that rather than feeling a part of all the hustle and bustle, you may be tempted to just keep your head down and stick to your projects and plans. The thing is, if you can grab onto some of the energy around you, you'll see entirely new ways of handling it all -- ways that are not only more productive, but way more fun. Similarly, tonight your instinct may be to hole up with a cozy blanket, but if you get out in the world, you'll find it beautiful and bright."

My horoscopes have been eerily accurate lately. The past week has been entirely about manic organization because I just started a new gig: Event planning for Habitat for Humanity.

No, there is no Event Planning anywhere on my resume. Nada. Nuttin'.

So how did this happen? There's this guy, we'll call him Robert. Robert was a manager of sorts for two of the websites for which I was writing, and we got along really well. To me, it seems like Robert operates almost entirely on borderline psychic intuition about people - and judging from his success rate, he's right a lot more often than not. He knew he wanted to work with me, and I knew I liked working with him. So when he decided to take on planning events for Habitat for Humanity again this year (he has quite a lot of experience with them), he brought me on to assist. From a brief meeting months ago and many phone and Skype conversations, he got the feeling that I'd be great for the job.

I've been having heart-attacks daily ever since. Seriously, event planning is a non-stop adrenaline rush and I am constantly panicked that I will forget one of the myriad details on which success hinges. But, this is only the end of the first week.

It has to get easier.

My point is, however, that this is weird Kismet / Karma / Serendipity / Fate kind of stuff. There's no other explanation for how I've found myself here. One thing I haven't even told Robert is that my Great, Great Uncle is Paul Harris - Founder of the Rotary Club. The parallels between me and Paul are starting to creep me out: He was a wandering journalist / Jack of all trades in his youth, loved to travel, and then found himself creating one of the first grand-scale non-profits in history. If there is conscious life after death, then Paul Harris is getting a kick out of this. I'm praying that he'll pull a few heavenly strings and help me out.

And hey - remember my wish for the new year? Making more money. Am I? You betcha. Just not quite the way I anticipated.

SPLAT

2010-10-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

"A man climbed a mountain high in the Himalayas to speak to the Wise Man who lived there. The man had one question: Which way leads to success? The Wise Man pointed; the man started walking. After a while, he walked straight into a wall. SPLAT. He turned around, climbed back up the mountain, and asked the Wise Man, 'I went that way and walked into a wall. Now which way lies success?' The Wise Man pointed in another direction and the man started walking. SPLAT. By this time, the man was getting really ticked off. He stomped back up the mountain and yelled at the Wise Man: 'Every time I walk where you're pointing, I walk straight into a wall. Now you tell me how to find success!'

This time, the Wise Man spoke.

'Success is that way. Just past SPLAT."

Time for a 26th Year Check-in. I was reading "The Quarter Life Chronicle" this morning by a blogger whom I've never met, but who shares my fascination for this particularly brutal time of life, and it inspired me to review my own Chronicles of my Quarter Life Crisis.

I have not been reading Pico Iyer.

After re-reading my post about my 26th year goals, that one is the failure that sticks out and galls me most. It's not for lack of trying. I did actively look for Pico Iyer books in Seattle, and found the sequel to Robyn Davidson's "Tracks" instead (she took off with a band of camels across the Australian outback - great book). But, while I have not yet joined the ranks of the literary elite, I did stumble across another age-defining book: Someday My Prince Will Come, by Jerramy Fine.

Jerramy is a girl just as delusional as I am, but the difference is that she hauled ass to try to make her fairytale story come true. For the first hundred pages, I was thinking both "This girl is nuts" and "we are so much alike, but I'd never have the nerve to write it in print." It's one thing to firmly believe you are meant to be a princess; it's another to make that your defining life goal, leave your hippy-dippy parents in a mountain town, travel to England, wrangle your way into high society, and meet the prince you were looking for.

Hey - I tried. I just didn't try nearly has hard as she did. And that's the most amazing thing: this is an Autobiographical book of a girl only a few years older than myself. Yes, she is obsessive. Yes, she comes off as crazy (only because she actually says what we other crazies never utter in public). But she went after her dream single-mindedly, hitting walls and going SPLAT at every turn, and never stopping. It's an incredibly inspirational read, even if I've replaced "Princess" with "Journalist" as my life's goal.

Jerramy Fine, I like you better than Pico freakin' Iyer. The literary elite be damned.

Now, as for my 26th Year Goals Progress Report:

1. Increase Income. (When you wish upon a blog - it just might come true. I have seen my monthly income increase little by little, but it is still far from a living wage. Work In Progress).

2. Lose 10 more pounds. (Nope).

3. Learn photography so my Nikon D5000 is second-nature. (I just spent a weekend taking professional animal photos at an obediance trial, during which I got to know my camera a lot better. Still, work in progress.)

4. Travel to Germany and the American South. (I've eaten lots of sausage and chicken n' waffles, does that count?)

5. Create and maintain All Who Wander. (Work in Progress. We have our mission statement, and I think the second half of this year will see a lot more activity).

Adding:

6. Become an SEO expert and learn Multimedia reporting (video editing, audio editing, internety technical stuff).

That last one is the result of a disasterous job application to become a Patch Local Editor. [SPLAT] I don't even want to get into it - too soon, too irritating. You would think that TWO recommendations from current Local Editors in addition to my very nice resume and cover letter might make an impact - but not if the recruiter doesn't bother to read anything you sent before making up her mind not to hire you before she even picks up the phone to call you for your interview. [SPLAT SPLAT].

On the bright side, it has spurred me into taking a Multimedia Reporting class that I have been meaning to take for a while, which should perfect my resume so completely that even a recruiter who doesn't read it, cannot fail to be impressed.

I know that last sentence does not make sense. Just go with me on this one.

SPLAT.

Star Power

2010-09-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ah Ha! I found a suitable Horoscope, courtesy of Numerology this time. Here is my forecast for 2010 according to my Life/Destiny number of 3:

"Personal Year for Number: 3
There are opportunities to expand & develop, the fruits of your labour of the past few years is about to be rewarded, whether in business or personal relationships.

The influence this year is to experience pleasure & happiness & to express the joy of being alive. [Totally True] Be enthusiastic in your endeavours. Enjoy your friends, lead an active social life, & enjoy yourself, it is time to have fun with as little responsibility as possible. You must not however, indulge only in superficial activities. Love & romance are here to be experienced & enjoyed with the possibility of marriage or long-term commitment. [Yikes!] Concentrate on opportunities for self-improvement, particularly in the area of using any creative talents. Emphasise your ideas involving your creative talents such as acting, singing or writing, (you may surprise yourself). [Yes, Yes] Use your intuition, imagination & inspiration. [And Yes] It is possible for a promotion or recognition in your area of employment, whatever happens will be a sound basis for the future. You may enjoy the satisfaction & accomplishment of bringing certain projects to a conclusion. Self-indulgence or extravagance could impeded your progress. All in all, enjoy & have fun!"

Ok, I feel much better now. The stars are aligning in my favor.

Speaking of stars, I just interviewed Mark Ballas from "Dancing with the Stars" last night for an article. Work is definitely picking up, and I am being recognized in my area of employment! Celebrity Interviewer Extraordinaire - yep, that's me.

Be careful what you wish for

2010-09-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

"Ask, and you shall receive." - The Bible, somewhere

Ok, it's been like a DAY since I put it out into the universe that I wanted more money - and what did I get?

More work!

Don't get me wrong, I love more work, but I'm getting a lot of jobs that pay a little, instead of a few more jobs that pay a lot. So, hey, I believe in The Secret, and I'm putting it out there into the Universe right now: Big paychecks and more of them.

There.

When you wish upon a blog...

In other fairytale news, it looks like I may be attending a ball on Monday. Or at least a real-world equivalent. I have no suitable shoes for the purpose yet. I wonder if Cinderella went around feeling as frazzled as I am. My 26th year is getting off to an interesting start.

Two Days into my 26th Year

2010-08-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I was always terrible at keeping a diary. I'd write in it every day for about a week, then the entries would get shorter, and then stop altogether. I think that is the normal life-cycle for diaries, but for a writer, that is a youth of which to be ashamed.

It seems my habits have not improved.

But I love having this silly blog to check back with after every few months and see how far I've come. I've been 26 for a little over a day now, and have been reflecting. I saw the movie version of Eat, Pray, Love yesterday with Julia Roberts - if you remember I started out this year by reading the book - so that sort of brought me full circle literarily. In terms of goals:

~~1. Lose 10 pounds.~~ I lost 15, and am still working on another 10, but I'm more fit than ever. Buff even.
~~2. Get and maintain a tan.~~ Double Check. I didn't know I could be so gloriously brown.

~~3. Travel around the world to England, India and Japan.~~ And traveled to San Francico and Seattle.

4. Get published in a magazine under my own byline (ghostwriting doesn’t count). - I wish I could cross this off, but I can't. I have pitched Seventeen Magazine, NPR's This American Life, and Westways magazine though, with no luck.

5. Become a journalist. (Nope) - With the journalism industry tied up in celtic knots, no one is getting in right now. But, I have it on good authority (from the Travel Editor of a major newspaper!) that I am doing everything right. I'm also excited to be writing for GlobalShift, a website that gives me the freedom to write about any cause I choose, and I'm putting out some very exciting, high quality work.

At least I can say that #4 and #5 weren't failed for lack of trying.

Other things have happened this year. I met a new writer friend in OC, who then promptly moved to San Francisco. I've become closer to two of my other writer-friends, one of whom got engaged, the other of whom got dis-engaged (un-engaged?). Basically, I have surrounded myself with immensely talented, wicked-smart people, which is absolutely heaven. And, I've come up with an idea for a website: AllWhoWander.

AllWhoWander will be the big project for the next few months. I've written the mission statement - essentially, a resource to help creative young people forge the path from college (or high school) to career. And we're getting the site, logo, and content together as I write this. I'm excited about it. It's a lot of work to start a website, especially one like this, but I and my friends are up to the task.

My freelance writing career is steadily growing. I make a little more money each month than the previous month, but it is slow-going. My goal for this next year is to increase income. In fact, I'll write myself another To Do List:

26th Year Goals

1. Increase Income.
2. Lose 10 more pounds, and gain 5 back (I just want to be my goal weight long enough to take pictures proving I was there - then I'd like to eat again).
3. Learn photography so my Nikon D5000 is second-nature.
4. Travel to Germany and the American South.
5. Create and maintain All Who Wander.

So far, as of day 2 of being 26, I think I have succeeded only in killing my indoor palm.

Last year began with such an enormous sense of relief, and a torrent of creative energy that was released as a result. I was giddy with it. Granted, it took me months to stop feeling like I had PTSD from that horrible horrible job, but after India, I was pretty well healed. Now I've had a year of being happy on a daily basis, almost feeling guilty about it because so few people have life this good. If my 25th year was about healing, re-energizing, and re-focusing, this year must be about using all of that energy and focus to accomplish goals and make great strides in my career as a writer.

Last year also began with a reading list. This year, I plan to study an author: Pico Iyer. My friend Miranda idolizes him, and I've been feeling disenfranchised from the writerly-intellectual community for not having read anything by him. And now that I've read through every single Sookie Stackhouse Chronicle, I think I'll have the time.

Travel as Transition

2010-01-04T12:20:00.001-08:00

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” - Henry Miller

The big changes in my life have always begun with travel. Before my parents divorced when I was eight, we went to England for the first time and my love affair with the country began in earnest. Although, the reason we went to England and not someplace else was because I had already fallen for it – you tell a seven year old that there is a country that still has princes, princesses and castles, and instant infatuation will follow. That infatuation, whether or not due to the early influences of Disney, has stayed with me.

Which is why, before starting college at UCLA, I returned by myself for a two week tour of England and Scotland with around twenty other twenty-somethings. That would be Big Life Change number two, if you’re counting. Before I graduated UCLA, I returned to London to study Blake for a month. And after I graduated, I headed to Tokyo to visit two of my old college roommates. Those two trips were the harbingers of Big Change Number Three – graduating college and finding myself completely out of ideas for what I wanted to do with my life.

After nearly a year of constant nightmares, constant fighting with my boyfriend, constant self-doubt, constant job-searching and cover letter writing, a 3-month teaching job and a 3 month temp job--I landed an internship with Peter Greenberg’s production company. He is NBC’s Travel Editor, and something of a big cheese in the world of travel journalism.

Long story short, I loved writing. About travel, about food, about people – all writing comes down to people really, otherwise all you have is a menu or brochure. Then I was offered a fat paycheck working for the City and spent the following two years trying to comfort myself with shopping sprees at Banana Republic. According to my horoscope for 2010, that was predestined:

Year 2010 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you've been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

And then – a month after quitting my day job – I traveled all the way around the world, from California to Oxford, to India, to Japan, and back to California. The full loop. Which is why I haven’t posted anything on this blog in a while. I’ve been in the process of figuring out what this trip has meant for me, because traveling around the world impacts more than just one’s sleep cycle. Part of that processing is transcribing my travel journal on my other blog: AnglophileinLA.

What I think it comes down to is this: I don’t feel lost anymore. I am happier with myself and my life than I have ever been – and most of that confidence was gained in India. I don’t want to write it all down now, because that’s what my other blog is for, but obviously there will be crossover. There I want to record what happened; here I want to record what I gained from it. I want to try and articulate the little changes I’ve seen in myself.

For now though, I have a lot of writing work to do. Writing for a living is finally starting to pay for itself now that the Christmas expenses are out of the way. But it keeps me busy and personal blogs get bumped down the To Do List.

New Year

2010-01-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

"Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past.

Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go."

-Mark Twain

It's time to take stock of the goals I set for myself 4 months ago - let's see how I've done:

1. Lose 10 pounds. (Nope - now it's more like 20)
~~2. Get and maintain a tan.~~ Check!
~~3. Travel around the world to England, India and Japan.~~ Check!
4. Get published in a magazine under my own byline (ghostwriting doesn’t count). (Still working on it)
5. Become a journalist. (Nope)

So, 2/5 is a great start. Unfortunately, those were the easy two.

Today, January 4th 2010, I started my New Years Resolution diet and fitness regimen. I woke up later than I intended to, but I went to the gym for 30 minutes as planned, ate part of a mango, carrots, broccoli and hummus for breakfast and lunch, and will be walking 2 miles to the grocery store and back to get salad ingredients for dinner. Today is the first day of succeeding at goal #1 - which has been amended to losing 20 pounds, especially after a certain Wii Fit called me fat to my face, in front of my boyfriend's parents, and boyfriend. I wanted to smash it while screaming more than a few choice words, but showing that much of a temper would have only damned me more in their eyes. Better to be fat and peaceful than obese and violently angry - but dear God how I hate the Wii Fit.

Anyways - let me take a deep calming breath - ok. My next New Year's Resolution is to pick a day every month to pitch to Westways Magazine. It is my goal to pitch to them until they accept. I have all the tools: I know who to send pitches to, I know their magazine cover to cover, and I am so on top of the kind of stories they publish that I have been scooped in every single edition for the past 6 months. Those are 6 pitches I should have sent. It's great to know I'm on the right track, but at this point I'm just kicking myself for not acting.

As for becoming a journalist - I'm too busy to even think of it right now. I need to take a class in Multimedia that I can't afford, and I have a ton of writing to do for pay this month, so that one is going to have to wait a while. But I am enjoying the life of a freelance writer. Loving it, actually.

The Dolphins

2009-09-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

"Man has always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much...while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man...for precisely the same reason."
--Douglas Adams

I went to the beach with one of my dearest friends today. We've known eachother since we were ten - we share the same name, we are both writers, we are both slightly neurotic, we were both raised among hippies (she was raised by hippies) and we are both struggling with being twenty-five. She expected to at least be employed at this age, and probably have a novel published. I expected... I have no idea. I expected to be skinnier, I know that much. I expected to have traveled the world. We both expected that we'd know what to do with our lives by the old age of tweny-five. But we don't. She figures that this is what we are supposed to do at this age. Twenty-five is about experimentation, about exploring ourselves, our identities, and trying out new lives like new hats. I agree - that seems to be the appropriate thing to do.

And the funny thing is, even though we live in an uncertain world at an uncertain age (twenty-five), we both feel like this is a good thing and that we are on the right path, wherever that path may lead. It's scary has hell, don't get me wrong. Just because you kinda feel like you are on the right path doesn't make the path less frightening when you can't see where you're going.

We saw dolphins today. Dolphins have always been harbingers of good things. I can't remember a year that was bad after seeing dolphins in the summer preceeding it. I haven't seen dolphins in a long, long time.

So happy twenty-fifth birthday to my dear friend who shares my name and shares so many of my memories because she was in them. Turning twenty-five involves a lot of introspection, and I often think about how my early friendships formed who I am and who I want to become. Lauren, I hope that we will both find what we need this year. At least, that's what I wished for as the waves came rushing at my feet while I was searching the horizon for dolphins.

The Trouble with Solipsism

2009-09-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

"When this book wrote itself, I was observing a negligible portion of something incredibly more distant than any sun; something more unimaginably huge than the most prodigious of all universes--

Namely?

The individual."

- From the introduction of The Enormous Room by E.E. Cummings.

I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning thinking deep thoughts about the process of writing an autobiographical book, or blog, or anything really. I've been thinking a lot about solipsism lately. First, let me define:

Solipsism - noun

1. extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.

Also known as "contemplating your navel." Which is a phrase that shows just how silly the practice is. But lately, I haven't been contemplating my navel, I have been listening to Elizabeth Gilbert contemplate hers. Which she does, a lot, in Eat, Pray, Love. And it's very interesting. Like going along in someone's head and exploring their deepest motivations, finding out how they became who they are now, and all that fun psycho-analytical stuff.

The fact that this is enjoyable is news to me, because I have spent the vast majority of my writing career thinking that if I wrote about myself it would bore anyone not related to me by blood. I still rather believe that. But if Liz Gilbert can talk about herself for hundreds of pages, I think I might have a shot at it too. So I dissected how she frames her voyage of self-discovery: she explores herself through her relationships with other people, objects, and her own inner voice. It's all about interaction. You can't tell an interesting narrative if the only voice is your own - and Elizabeth Gilbert has a lot of company (even when she's talking to herself).

I'm still working out how to apply this to my own writing. I think that when I start traveling it will be easier to incorporate other voices, other characters. But for right now, it's just me, myself and I. And all three of us are wondering what the heck I'm thinking trying to write about myself. See Liz, I have self-doubting voices in my head too. So there.

The Horoscope

2009-09-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. - Maitri Upanishads

According to my mother, there was a Virgo report on Daytime this morning that "Virgos have gone through 2 horrible years that will end on Halloween. An obstacle will be removed from their career path and it will be a great year."

As much as I think it's important to be the active force in determining my future, I do kinda believe in horoscopes. Silly, and completely illogical though they are. But take a look at my horoscope from my last birthday:

August 28, 2008 Horoscope for Virgo:Romance, friendships and a social whirl is the motivating factor in your life. You will have an exciting vacation and a possible job change with new projects and putting important ideas into motion.

It turned out to be completely true. I went to England and Kauai last year with my boyfriend, Charles. And as for the last half of that sentence "a possible job change with new projects and putting important ideas into motion," that describes last year in a nutshell.

On my birthday this year, my horoscope seems to coincide with the above prediction: If Aug 28 is your Birthday, you are at the top of your game during December and February, especially where your long-term objectives and business dreams are concerned. Since you are willing to play fairly with others, they will be happy to accommodate your wishes.

I'm posting these for two reasons: 1. So I can check back after October 31st and see if they were right, and 2. Because they help motivate me to keep working. And I need some motivation right now. I'm sitting in a very messy apartment (the aftermath of making enchiladas last night) with an enormous To Do list in front of me that does not include writing or anything personally productive. Ok, cleaning and watering is productive, but it doesn't do anything to further my longterm goals. Funny, my horoscope for today did not predict housework...

The small Success

2009-09-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. -- Robert Collier

Forgive the motivational-speakerness of the above quote, but it fits the theme for today. I can report an unequivocated success in one of my goals: I have a delicious tan.

I say "delicious" because it is the color of caramel and it makes me happy. And proud. Because I did this. I have not, however, lost an ounce of weight - mostly because I've been cooking every day. Boeuf Bourguignon, pork enchiladas, Caribbean curries, apple pie, marinara sauce out of tomatoes from farmers markets and vegetable stands in the country is my list of excuses. But this got me thinking about why I've had success in this one tiny area of tanning. It's not hard to figure out: I devote an hour a few days a week to lying out in the sun. I'm very regimented about it. I commit to it and make it a priority. If I can manage to do that with the rest of my goals, I think I might have similar results after a month of steadfast efforts.

The Reading List

2009-09-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

"By prevailing over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination."-- Christopher Columbus

Roughly eight short chapters into congratulating myself for having more sense than Elizabeth Gilbert, I saw the most gigantic epically proportioned beetle of my life. It landed upside-down on the ledge of the short wall enclosing the pool area in which I was sunbathing to the audio book of Eat,Pray,Love. And, as fate would have it, just when I was thinking “Elizabeth Gilbert is a complete idiot,” the beetle righted itself and flew directly at my head. Not at my hair, not at my body, but as if my nose was its landing strip.

So, with a shriek and many undignified squeals, I leapt up (thank God I hadn’t reached the point in my sunbathing of undoing the back of my bikini top to avoid tan lines) and made frantic swatting motions in the bug’s direction. I didn’t want to touch the thing, just make it think twice about landing on me. Boy, did I feel stupid.

No, I hadn’t buggered my marriage and shacked up with an actor like Ms. Gilbert, but still – I was humbled.

Why am I reading the book of someone I suspect to be fundamentally daft and self-absorbed you may ask? I’ve given myself a reading list of books by and about women who take on the challenge of defining themselves. Women who actively create the lives they want and become the heroines of their own stories – and then write those stories down with great success.

The two books with which I am beginning my education are bestsellers in the genre of Women Creating Themselves and Writing About It:
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Bridget Jones’s Diary by Helen Fielding

From them I hope to gain wisdom, a game plan, and an outline for this project. So far, the wisdom I have received is along the lines of what not to do.

Lesson 1: Don’t write as if you have all the answers. It’s annoying, and you don’t. That’s one of the problems I’m having with the first few chapters of Elizabeth Gilbert’s book: this tendency towards omniscience. I am taking this lesson to heart because I have the same problem. A lot of smart, writerly 20-somethings do in fact. So omniscience is out. I do not have all the answers now, nor will I after this year is over. What I hope to have, what this year is about, is creating my life. And like all of my projects, this begins with a To Do List.

1. Lose 10 pounds.
2. Get and maintain a tan.
3. Travel around the world to England, India and Japan.
4. Get published in a magazine under my own byline (ghostwriting doesn’t count).
5. Become a journalist.

In my first post I declared that my mission was to create my own life. To that end, I have to become the person I want to be: a woman with direction, a plan, a size 10 wardrobe, and a tan. Oh, and a job. In writing.

My three least favorite words in the English language are “I’m going to.”

“I’m going to write a novel. I’m going to learn Latin. I’m going to memorize the dictionary.”

That was my “To Do List” when I was nine. I think I got ninety pages into writing a book about flying unicorns, and I memorized the first five entries in the dictionary, all of which I have since forgotten. “I’m going to” is not interesting, it’s depressing, a harbinger of failures to come.

Here is what I have done so far –

I have the beginnings of a very nice tan. Being pale, and contentedly so for many years, I didn’t think it was possible. But it turns out that if you quit your job and commit to spending thirty minutes to an hour reading journalism books by the pool every day, tans are possible even for pale people like me.

I have bought my plane tickets to Heathrow, New Delhi and Narita; booked a tour of North India; and made arrangements with my friends in Oxford and Tokyo to stay with them while I’m there. I will be gone for one solid month from October 7th to November 7th.

So that’s two down.

But my big accomplishment is quitting my job three weeks ago. Without going into too much detail, I had a job for two years with great pay, benefits and security. I met some truly good people there, but unfortunately my boss was not one of them. In short, the man wouldn't let me write, even though the position I had initially accepted was very writing-intensive. But, while I was there, I paid off my student loan, saved enough money to be unemployed for a while and travel, and wrote food and travel articles during every break, evening and weekend. I also took a few journalism classes at night and online, and taught myself photoshop and a news publishing program. Then my boss found out about all of my extra-curricular activities and didn't like what he saw as a conflict of interest. There was no conflict - I wasn't interested in his job at all. So I quit.

The Mission

2009-09-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." - John Irving

If you search "Quarter Life Crisis" on Amazon, you'll find a long list of Self-Help books that are really depressing. Like, “This period can indeed be rocky, especially when a young person is told that the world is her oyster and then can't find a satisfying job.” (Publishers Weekly review of Quarter Life Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties)

Well, ok, that description fits me pretty well. For my entire life I was told that I was so talented, so smart, that I could do anything I wanted – all I would have to do is choose. And I bought that idea hook, line and sinker. But even after three post-college years of being battered around in bad jobs, and trying to find that magical occupation that I will love enough to put up with all the crap that goes along with it – I still believe I can do anything.

Ok, let’s back up. There is every possibility that I am crazy. I have a highly active imagination – you should know this. In fact, in first grade I had the school counselor telling my parents that I was delusional and should be put on medication—but then again, that woman was fired for telling every parent of a child with an imaginary friend the same thing. Ironically, she was the nutty one. But, that still doesn’t rule me out. I mean, I wanted to be an actress for about nine years from middle school through half of college. And then I went for the marginally more realistic English Major (would you like fries with that?). I’m not a sensible person, so it’s just like me to stubbornly insist that I am talented and smart enough to make a success of my life.

Crazy me.

In the 20 Something Manifesto, Christine Hassler says one of the biggest problems twenty-somethings face is “Expectation Hangovers,” when “reality doesn’t measure up to what people in their twenties had come to expect from their lives, leading to depression and lack of direction.” She says the three questions that dominate the decade are: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?
Ok, that fits me pretty well too …

This is the chronicle of my twenty-fifth year. My goal is a simple one: To Create My Own Life.

You know that bumper sticker that says “I reject your reality and substitute my own”? That is my motto.